Gas-Guzzling Gladiator

Some of you might remember my love-hate relationship with my car. Well, yesterday she managed to up her cool-factor quite a bit. A little Honda Civic tried to mess with her and she rearranged his grill. It was a typical girl-fight - she crumpled up his license plate and shoved it into his front bumper. Seriously, I did get rear-ended yesterday night and when I got out to inspect the damage, I was amazed to see that the Equinox was in pristine condition (as pristine as a car can be when it gets a bath twice a year). Apparently, Equi prefers her trailer hitch as her weapon of choice. This is only funny because it is the wimpiest trailer hitch ever created. I would be surprised if it could tow a Rascal scooter. But everyone was safe and the damage was not mine so it really was a minor speed bump in my evening.

I've saved the funniest part of the story for last . . . When I called 911 to ask them to come and file an accident report, the first question the operator asked after checking for injuries was this: "Has the accident already occurred?" Umm, no, but I was just about to go on a rear-ending rampage and I thought you should be the first to know. Here's your sign.

Toddler Vocabulary Quiz

Q1. Jackson wants a "tish". What should you do?

A1. Bring him the Kleenex box. Let him pull the tissue out ALL BY HIMSELF. Hold the tissue so he can blow his nose. That's right . . . he blows his own nose. My daddy claims that he thought I would never learn to blow my nose. Apparently, I was a snot sniffer. I promise I am over it now.

Q2. A "mo-mo" has been spotted. Where are you?

A2. You are more than likely hurtling down the highway, but don't think that excuses you from your responsibility to express your extreme excitement about the motorcycle that just went whizzing past you. The little guy LOVES motorcycles. He searches them out whenever we ride in the car. He begs to check on his Grandpa's bike every evening. He can spot a Harley symbol at 50 paces. Indoctrination? Maybe just a little.

Q3. How many times will Jackson repeat no before he thinks his slow-witted parents are able to understand?

A3. Exactly 3 - no, no, NO. At this point, it is really adorable. He starts in this sweet little voice and shakes his head. We are feeling the expiration date on this brand of adorable quickly approaching.

Q4. Which is more important - the names of items or the sounds they make?

A4. Obviously the sounds, and you should give anyone who tells you otherwise the crazy look.

Q5. Jackson keeps announcing "peas" and seems to be playing air guitar on his chest. What is going on with this kid?

A5. Isn't he polite? That's please . . . and you better figure out "please, what?" soon . . . or else things could get ugly. Incidentally, he prefers his peas frozen. Umm, whatever it takes for you to choke them down, I guess.

Hugs and Kisses from Dark Helmet

Preparing to go ludicrious speed?

May the schwartz be with you!