12 Days of Tacky Christmas Day 12

Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame #12
8 Second Santa

Yes, I know. 12 Days of Tacky Christmas means 12! But this last entry was a little more difficult to obtain . . . there was stealthy photography involved. So the inside scoop is this - I am 100% Texan and that's a fact I am quite proud of. We happen to have relatives who hail from the northern provinces, and they have pointed out with much disdain the affinity Texans seem to have for putting pictures of our state on absolutely everything. To which we must reply, "Yeah, it's too bad your state isn't this cool." But to everything there is a line, and this seems to be mine.

Cowboy Santa gets trotted out on the lawn in my neighborhood every single year and he is just too much for me to bear. Seriously, is he riding the state? To everyone their own 8 seconds, but the state that once was its own country should be ridden by no one.

Honorable mention goes out to this little gem. This is the Christmas Drinking Glove. It's furry, it's festive, and apparently, it keeps your hand warm while still allowing you to grip your bottle with vigor. My question is, "if this is really an issue for you, what are you doing the rest of the year? And just what are you drinking?".

Merry Christmas, y'all.
Be sure and save Christmas from Tackiness.


12 Days of Tacky Christmas Day 11

Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame #11
Christmas with a Hunk of Burning Holiday Cheer
Whether Elvis is actually dead or just wants you to think he is,
can't we refrain from using him as a holiday decoration?

These are Elvis holiday coasters.
My favorite part is the "come-hither" looks that Elvis seems to be throwing out. Eww.

An Elvis yard flag, which could also double as Elvis' application to be the next Jenny Craig spokesmodel.

An Elvis Christmas stocking.
Here, Elvis, hold this.

This king has left the buliding.


12 Days of Tacky Christmas Day 10

Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame #10
Holiday TP

For Day 10, we are back in the bathroom . . .
and the situation has grown even worse.
The antlers . . . the indecency . . . the Santa wearing no pants,
while the reindeer appears to be wearing them.
Stop the insanity.


12 Days of Tacky Christmas Day 9

Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame #9

I happen to live in a house that is sans fireplace. When we were building the house, it was this great executive decision. The only way the builder was adding fireplaces to our floorplan was by placing it in a corner. It took up a huge amount of space and we knew that we would never use it in the heat of Texas. It is a decision that I am happy with 11/12s of the year. In that last month of the year, I do have some sadness that there is nowhere for our stockings to rest. And now that there is a little boy resident of this fire-free home, I do have some concerns as to how we will later address any Santa concerns. Do I just tell him that Santa is an expert at breaking and entering, thus risking future discussions about gun rights in the state of Texas (you only think I am kidding)? Or do we work up some elaborate plan where we leave a key under the mat to assuage any child terror, but then try to remember to bring the key in the prevent any mommy terror? This is a quandry for sure, but would it ever drive you to this . . .

Oh yes, that's right. It really is a cardboard fireplace
complete with cardboard fire.
But, wait . . . you simply must read the description.

Corrugated Fireplace

Imagine the charm of a holiday hearth without all the fuss! Our corrugated fireplace is so realistic, you can hang your stockings from it! Features rustic red bricks and a blazing yule-time log. Shipped flat with easy slot-and-tab assembly instructions. Assembled it measures 38" wide x 30" high and includes a 7" deep mantel. Made in the USA. Express shipping not available.

Does anyone else find it ironic that the fireplace is flammable?


12 Days of Tacky Christmas Day 8

Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame #8
Icons of Christmas Take a Break

My childhood included the Pez dispenser, and while I never saw any problem eating candy that tasted like chalk out of the neck of a cartoon character, here is where I draw the line. Are we really supposed to eat these little deposits . . . or use them as ammo? And the expressions . . . and the poses . . . ugh, this is too much.


12 Tacky Days of Christmas Day 7

Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame #7
Seasonal Scrunchies
The worst thing about Tacky Christmas?
It's what it's doing to the children . . .

Just look at this cute little one - there is a Frosty nesting in her 'do.

12 Days of Tacky Christmas Day 6

**The Tacky Patrol was momentarily delayed by a monstrous stomach bug. But, never fear, we are on guard once again. Protecting you from all things fearfully festive.**
Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame #6
Crazy Christmas Geese

Sometimes, during the fall, I catch a glimpse of a flock of geese in migration, and it really makes me smile - how they are all lined up in their V, seeking warmer locales. When you hate the cold as much as me, you really admire this sort of exodus. But that's where my love of the goose ends. Because when you meet them up close, they are nothing but mean, squawking, territorial birds. So I cannot understand what possesses people to put them in front of their houses. Or to dress them up . . .

. . . as another Claus identity crisis

. . . as dancers from the Nutcracker Suite - come on, those people are talented.
Have you ever seen a goose dance?

. . . and the worst of all, as the parents of the Christ child.
Mary and Joseph had a tough enough assignment,
and now they are getting a goose makeover.

This Christmas,


12 Days of Tacky Christmas Day 5

Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame #5
Holiday Toilet Decor

Not every seat in the house needs to be decorated.
And let's not even address the stage fright this huge Santa face could cause.
Wondering why everyone keeps taking off for the Texaco
should not be part of your holiday celebrations.

But wait, they come in reindeer and snowman too.
That's right - something with antlers . . . in your bathroom.


12 Days of Tacky Christmas Day 4

Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame Winner #4
The Clauses go "Hog Wild"

So I know that Mr. C. has a stressful job.
Working all year long to prepare for a world-wide, time/space continuum-bending journey
in order to pass out toys to children who barely escaped this year's naughty list,
must be mind bending to say the least.
Which is why I respect his right to blow off a little steam in the off season.

But the toll this is taking on his wife is just too much.
At first, she was just tooling around the Pole in between batches of cookies.
That seemed harmless enough.

But then, that rowdy reindeer, Rudy helped the Claus get in touch with her wild side.
He always was a rebel - breaking reindeer uniform with the red nose and all.

Of course, the Big Guy followed right behind.


12 Days of Tacky Christmas Day 3

Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame Winner #3
Sweatsock Stockings

The sweatsocks were hung by the chimmney with care
with hopes that "Tough Actin' Tinactin" soon would be there.


12 Days of Tacky Christmas Day 2

Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame Winner #2
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Car

Apparently, the wreath was not enough.

Now we have to invite the favored deer to play his games in the traffic.

Red Light, Green Light . . . Frogger . . . Road Rage.

Sadly, I must admit that I have seen this in person . . . and with one antler missing. . . so sad.


12 Days of Tacky Christmas Day 1

It's the most wonderful time of the year . . .
Christmas is full of joy and wonder.
It's a time of celebrating the things that we hold most dear.
Unfortunately, nothing brings out the boatloads of tackiness
more than a little decking the halls.

For the next 12 days, I will expose this year's hall of fame of
Feliz Navidad faux pas as I see them.
If you spot a holiday offender, send it my way.
We've got to take a stand against these things.

Tacky Christmas Hall of Fame Winner #1
Santa Pants

The Santa Pants are generally used as a party favor.

Now, let's just think about this for a moment.
There are so many ways that this could go.

"Hey, thanks for coming to our party! Be sure and take home the treats in Santa's pants."

"Kids, Grandma has treats for you. Go look in Santa's pants."

And what are you going to do if your favorite treat happens to be chocolate covered raisins?


Seeing the Big Guy

We came . . .
We sat . . .
We planned our future therapy . . .

Where is my adorable smiling boy?
He has been replaced by Bambi on opening day of hunting season.

In between takes he buried his face in my shoulder in total humiliation.
By the second photo, he seems reassured that we aren't going to abandon him,
but he is still concerned that we have lost our minds.
Happy Holidays from the Funny Farm!

Muff Maidens

Why, yes, I do embarrass myself by request. I told Erin that I had to pick between two pictures of us for my last post and this one lost. But apparently, I am feeling entirely too classy and feel the need to bring myself down a few notches. Two words - ear muffs.


The Battle is On

The Battle of the Naptime Pacifier is upon us. We knew it was time when the little guy started asking for it . . . in his not-so-nice voice. To his credit, the nighttime paci has been gone for well over a year, but naptime was always a huge struggle. Now the pacifier must be eliminated . . . and we just hope nap won't be eliminated as well.

Score: Parents 2, Pacifier-lover 0

Naptime: 1:45 for 2 days

Warriors: Daddy Khan, Grammy the Great, Mommy the Weepy
The picture above is of the pacifier tree at the Skansen Zoo in Sweden. Apparently, there is a big ceremony where kids give their pacifiers to the baby animals. Hmmm . . . odd, but apparently effective.


Random-ness about me

So several months ago, my friend Erin tagged me for 6 Random Things about Me. It's taken me many moons to come up with 6 random things about myself, because, well, obviously, I am so un-random. I have NEVER been known to interupt some important conversation with an interesting tidbit of information about me. And I certainly have never had to be reminded that people are confused when I expect them to join a conversation already in progress . . .in my head. Anyway, to reward Erin for letting me play, I give you this little blast from the past.

6 Random Things about Me
I was tagged by Erin

1. I LOVE pumpkin. Even more than pumpkin, I love pumpkin flavored things. Pumpkin Lattes, pumpkin doughnuts, pumpkin bread, pumpkin dip, pumpkin pie, pumpkin custard, pumpkin creamer . . . stop me before I go Bubba on you (shrimp gumbo, shrimp etouffee, shrimp cocktail . . . )! Fall and I have a tenuous relationship. Several tragic things happen every year this time. Namely, daylight dwindles and cold arrives. But pumpkin products, they make Fall livable and, dare I say, maybe even lovable. We carve pumpkins every year and I even dressed Little J up as a pumpkin for his first Halloween. It's the best gourd I know.

2. My ultimate resource material is Wikipedia. I didn't really realize my dependence on the wiki wonder, until I presented a friend with my latest gem of knowledge and her first response was, "did you get that from Wikipedia?" Well, yes, yes I did. My latest research topics: the origin of the term "Black Irish" and the storyline for Will Smith's new movie 7 Pounds.

3. I am a fashion disaster. See exhibit A above. I am wondering if I thought there would be an opportunity to be in a Kris Kross video later. I try, I really do; but more often than not, I am standing in my closet glaring at all my clothes, willing them to morph into some magical outfit. Even more insulting is the fact that I work for the retailer who considers it its mission to dress middle America. In the words of my friend Randa, as we were waiting for our friends in a cutting edge fashion boutique, "my wardrobe consists of colored t-shirts".

4. I love to write. I love the power of expression through the written word. I am fascinated by how one can arrange words in order to share all the complexity that occurs in the mind. I am in love with how words can tumble together and take the reader on a ride through the highs and lows, the speedy and the plodding, the brilliant and the mundane. Someday, I hope to do something with all the words that are stored up in me, but until then I will settle for unloading them on you, my readership, of, what, 2?

5. I am cold . . .all the time. I consider anything below 80 degrees downright chilly. I wear a jacket 10 months out of the year . . . indoors. I consider long underwear and those hand warmer packets some of the best inventions ever. I am thrilled beyond imagination when I think about my heated car seats. Some say luxury; I say necessity, as steering is difficult when one's hands are shivering. The phrase "cold hands, warm heart" has ceased to comfort me long ago.

6. I love Calvin and Hobbes comics. I think it is a look into my future.

Tagging is serious business. There are rules. Here they are. And I tag
and anyone else with randomness to spare
Here are the rules...
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your entry.
(Yes, I can count. I'm being flexible.)
5. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the person who tagged you know your entry is up.
7. Best rule: only do it if it will be fun!





Dino-mite Halloween

We enjoyed a lovely Halloween here in Jurassic Park. There were parties, plenty of people watching and minimal candy-induced meltdowns.

This was Jackson at the church Halloween party.

He let the Dino Wranglers come along this time.

We hit the local mall for our first trick or treating experience.

Halloween parenting lesson: the parent holds the candy . . .and later eats the candy! I had one moment of weakness in this and was quickly summoned to perform a caramel square extraction from the jaws of the dinosaur! He appears to be more herbivore than carnivore but the heartbroken roar was hard to ignore.


H A L L O W E E N !
Beware of crazed arachnids.

Best Birthday Wishes

What happens when you have been friends for more than half your lives?

You get to share it all!
Including a killer fashion sense (it was TX-OU weekend).



Our Little Party Animal

Jackson attended his first birthday party for a friend this past weekend. Apparently, he heard that the party theme was Jungle Animals. . . because he magically morphed into PARTY ANIMAL.

The idea behind the pool was a fishing game.
PARTY ANIMAL had other ideas.

PARTY ANIMAL did a few tricks for the crowd.

These are the proud parents of PARTY ANIMAL . . .

the only child to leave the party without pants!


Pumpkin Patch Party

We took advantage of the beautiful weather this afternoon with a trip to the Arboretum. All the fall plantings and displays were beautiful and Jackson LOVED the wide open spaces for running.

It took less than a minute for him to realize how much fun the other kids seemed to be having throwing hay.

Dining with Dependants: East meets Mid-west Pizza Style

Today, we decided to expand our palate pleasing adventure to food of the Mid-West. We tried out a new Chicago-style pizzaria that just opened by our neighborhood. Pizza is a serious study around our house. It was the first adult food that Jackson ate at the same time as us - a true family meal. I've been naming it as a favorite food since elementary school. My brother in law loves pizza so much he could write a dissertation on the subject . . . hmm . . . doctor of pizzalogy. . . nice ring, huh.

The pizza gold-standard at our house is Brooklyn's. We love the Bronx Italiano, no red peppers or scallions. Though I feared what the garlic might do to the stomach of a small child, Jackson seems no worse for the wear. In fact, he loves flavor of any kind. We tried and tried to get him to eat some of the baby foods and in the end they were just too bland for him. Brooklyn's pizza has amazing flavor. It's kind of a taste explosion. The tomatos are chopped rather than as sauce too, which I think is delightful.

The new contendor was Rosati's Pizza. They serve Chicago-style pizza based on a Italian family recipe. The pie was large and generous with a thick crust. However, it just didn't pack the same flavor punch as our friends from the East Coast. Pizza from Dairyland, it would seem, has a big emphasis on cheese. It seemed like a solid wall of it. As one who has dined on cheese-free pizza at the behest of a certain college roommate, the cheese to pizza ratio is a very delicate balance for me. There was a lot of sauce as well and it was quite thick. It seemed more like a friend of the tomato than an actual tomato product - like Cheez Whiz is a friend of cheese.

The clear winner: we like our pizza from the burough!

It's Little J approved.